Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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