Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My ass is underappreciated
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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