one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
