Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
