i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
