I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
