Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you had me at cake vodka
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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