Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
