I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
foreskin is a definite game changer
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Still dying that you shit outside
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
