I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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