i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
