He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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