he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
