Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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