I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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