I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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