We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
