Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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