why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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