I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
