To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
