you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
