My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
