Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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