my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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