I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
