apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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