mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
