That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
