I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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