Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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