Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
