I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
