A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
