i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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