i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
