Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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