Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
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