the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
