My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
