one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
