I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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