My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
