On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
