you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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