apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
