Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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