I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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