Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
