Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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